My Surgery is Set

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I went back to my obgyn to have my surgery scheduled. I was anticipating that it will probably be scheduled in August but goodness, the doctor wanted to do it this week! I was taken aback, why is everything happening so fast?

Anyway, I negotiated for next week and so my obgyn scheduled my operation on Tuesday, July 27, 2010. I am to stay at the hospital from Monday to Friday next week. But I still need clearance from my Endocrinologist, considering that I have hyperthyroidism. So on Monday, I have to go back to the doctor's clinic, get my clearance from my Endocrinologist and then my admission order from my Obgyn.

Now that my surgery is all set, I am starting to have panic attacks. I am scared about so many things that will happen while in surgery. I am scared of the pain brought about by being injected with anesthesia. I am scared of what will happen during surgery or when the doctor opens me, she will discover yet another bad news for me. I am really scared. And every time I think about my upcoming operation, my hyper-acidity gets activated.

But though I am scared and nervous, I am also excited. This is like my first time to ever be operated on. Not that I like to undergo this procedure but I am a bit curious what its like to be actually in the operating room. Crazy, right?

So it is all set! Next week, I am moving an extra mile in my journey to motherhood. I will try to update this blog while I am at the hospital. Do pray for the safety and the success of my surgery and add to your prayer that after all this, I will finally realize my dream of becoming a mother.

A bump on the road

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As I was heading to my parent's house, what is being repeatedly chanted in my brain was the scariest medical term in a person's medical experience - TUMOR.

Tumor. Tumor. Tumor.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.

How long do I have to live? God I am not ready to die yet.

All these things kept bugging me even when my obgyn said that the tumor is benign. Even with all the reassurances I got from my mom and my husband, still I was really worried.

But because I am used to keeping my worries inside me, whenever I go out and interact with friends, I still kept my bubbly self. Hiding my fears and my uncertainties. I was also in the process of blaming myself for going to the doctor even when I don't have any life and death reason to go there.

Because I was keeping all my worries, stress was building up in my body. A day after my TVS result came out, I was vomiting like crazy. I thought it was because I drank a yucky green tea freeze that tastes like dead leaves on my tongue. My stomach was uneasy all week after my ultrasound, no matter how many antacids I took, it just wouldn't calm my gastric juices inside my stomach. Then I remembered what my mom once told me, she said that stress can build acid in the stomach. I was in too much stress, thus, all the acids in my stomach - hence, my hyperacidity attack.

I asked myself many questions. Is my journey to becoming a mother this difficult? Is this how badly I want to have a baby?

Yes. Just to hold my own baby in my own arms, I would trek all mountains no matter how rough it would be. I would do all I can to experience what motherhood is all about. Regardless if after my surgery, I would still have to brace myself for another painful experience via labor pains and all maternity related pains. I would do all those because I want to be a mother.

After telling all my friends of my upcoming surgery, slowly I felt relieved and somehow I have come to accept the reality - that the road to motherhood is not an easy trip to take; its not all straight; it has bumps, it has its share of dangerous curves and bends; But regardless, I'm pretty sure that its going to be one ride I wouldn't miss for life.