http://www.flickr.com/photos/arenamontanusAs I was heading to my parent's house, what is being repeatedly chanted in my brain was the scariest medical term in a person's medical experience - TUMOR.
Tumor. Tumor. Tumor.
Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
How long do I have to live? God I am not ready to die yet.
All these things kept bugging me even when my obgyn said that the tumor is benign. Even with all the reassurances I got from my mom and my husband, still I was really worried.
But because I am used to keeping my worries inside me, whenever I go out and interact with friends, I still kept my bubbly self. Hiding my fears and my uncertainties. I was also in the process of blaming myself for going to the doctor even when I don't have any life and death reason to go there.
Because I was keeping all my worries, stress was building up in my body. A day after my TVS result came out, I was vomiting like crazy. I thought it was because I drank a yucky green tea freeze that tastes like dead leaves on my tongue. My stomach was uneasy all week after my ultrasound, no matter how many antacids I took, it just wouldn't calm my gastric juices inside my stomach. Then I remembered what my mom once told me, she said that stress can build acid in the stomach. I was in too much stress, thus, all the acids in my stomach - hence, my hyperacidity attack.
I asked myself many questions. Is my journey to becoming a mother this difficult? Is this how badly I want to have a baby?
Yes. Just to hold my own baby in my own arms, I would trek all mountains no matter how rough it would be. I would do all I can to experience what motherhood is all about. Regardless if after my surgery, I would still have to brace myself for another painful experience via labor pains and all maternity related pains. I would do all those because I want to be a mother.
After telling all my friends of my upcoming surgery, slowly I felt relieved and somehow I have come to accept the reality - that the road to motherhood is not an easy trip to take; its not all straight; it has bumps, it has its share of dangerous curves and bends; But regardless, I'm pretty sure that its going to be one ride I wouldn't miss for life.
